Blood Clots

Today I watched as my husband, my everything, shake. Shaking uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity.

Naturally I thought he was joking because that’s my husband. The joker.

But when he stood up, body pale white and asked me "what just happened, I don’t remember anything." I was terrified.

And today I am able to say, it was the scariest day of my life.

Let me back up to 2011. That’s when Zack and I first started dating. Early on Zack told me he had a blood clot in his right arm. This wasn’t just some regular blood clot either, this thing was huge!

He told me about all the things that could happen since he had a blood clot and it freaked me out but everyone including him made me feel like everything was okay.

I was okay until yesterday. January 28, 2015. Zack had been having some pain his left arm the night before and it continued to get worse the next day. We made a doctor’s appointment that morning and went in not thinking much. The night before Zack said it felt like how his other blood clot felt so I guess we kind of knew.

By the time we got to the doctors office Zack's arm was swollen bigger then his right arm which is unusual because his right arm is always bigger because of his first blood clot.

 Zack got an ultrasound which confirmed another 8in blood clot had formed in his left arm. Identical to his other one but smaller.

I wasn’t sure how I felt at the time. I was angry, "why does he have to have another one?"

"Why him?"

"Why now?"

But I was mostly sad. It’s hard to look at the person you love and see them so defeated. It was hard for me to see him upset.

The whole day I was trying to be positive and happy and make sure to let him know that everything is going to work out. That’s truly how I feel. I feel everything is going to be just fine. Modern medicine is amazing and I have faith in that. But it’s still scary to think about the what ifs.

The doctor prescribed some medicines and set up a few appointments to see some specialists to figure out why he developed another one. One of the things I had heard Zack talk about before was that he had to get shots in his stomach two times a day for his first blood clot so when the doctor told us we'd have to do it again Zacky wasn’t to happy.

That night his mom gave him the first shot (as you probably saw on my Facebook) to show me how to do it for the next two weeks.

The next morning it was my turn. To be honest, I was FREAKING out. I think I was more nervous than Zack was. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want to do it wrong. It was terrifying. I tried to keep my cool for Zack though, I didn’t want him to know how much I was freaking out inside.

Zack was nervous, I mean who wouldn’t be? A shot in the stomach twice a day is no fun. So as I was going to give him the shot he would stop me and say, "Wait, wait!"

"Oh my, I am gonna throw up!"

"Hold on, I need to throw up!'

Until finally he turned away and let me do it. I tried to do it fast and easy, but by the time I was done Zack's entire body and face were pale white. I turned around to throw away the needle and by the time I turned back around Zack was against the wall shaking. Then he bent over in his chair mouth wide open still shaking. This lasted about 30 seconds. I kept saying, "Zack stop."

"This isn’t funny!"

Until I was screaming, "Zack seriously stop. If you are joking stop!"

He then stood up asking me what happened. His hands were shaking, tears in his eyes.

I called his dad and told him to come over, while making sure Zack was okay his mom called and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I broke down in tears, that was the scariest moment of my life.

I felt so helpless, and that maybe it was my fault...

By the time his dad arrived he was doing much better. I wrote down everything so that he would be able to tell his doctor what happened at this appointment.

To see someone you love so much suffer and not be able to do anything about it is the hardest thing to go through. I want to make sure I can do everything I can for him and it’s hard when I can’t be there 24/7.

What we’re going through is hard. So hard for him, but I think it’s secretly hard for everyone else as well. To not be able to do much to help is hard.

I know that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work its way out, but I can’t say that I am okay because I’m not. I am so scared.

I will keep everyone updated with the appointments that will happen this next week, and thank you for all the support and love. It really means the world.

Love Always,

The Crazy Collards